blogland was shut down for a whole day leaving me at a loss for what to say and do. I live for my kid and this blog and a new beau. And it sucks when you have things to do and you put them off only to find when you are ready to get them done something else comes around the corner to fuck with you. I don't know what site issues are or were in this instance but it did make my job a little harder.
I owed myself a post and wanted to catch up and get ahead a post because of company stopping in. I figured I could bang out three posts and be good and then just get back to routine on Saturday. So much for plans. The best laid ones are that, laid, as in eggs and rotten and "ew!" Now why would I put off until tomorrow what I should have accomplished the day before leaving me stuck in the middle with myself and my blog and my ill manners this evening? I can't keep beating myself up like this. It is what it is and I am finding a reoccurring theme here as far as my ability to cope with change. I have had too much change. Attending ten schools in twelve years does things to your head. Moving twenty-five times in thirty-nine years didn't help either. My family was nomadic and reactional in that we moved as a reaction to the bad luck we had or irritating things that kept happening. Divorce, death, new jobs and marriage all play parts on stage. The entire system had been set up for failure for the offspring and I didn't feel too different as I had many friends who went and still are in the same boat as I. Only I didn't want this for my kid, and it is even passing onto her.
I don't deal well with change. I am used to it but I still suffer the strain as if it were my first go around. I should have the world's best coping skills and I am adept at the whole dealing thing, but I just wish I had it different. I wanted a more stable life and didn't get it. Instead of making one, I became irrational and nomadic like my ancestors and predecessors. Coping is hard now. I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I don't like the past view of what I leave behind for Lobo. Envious, I would cry myself to sleep for decades because I wanted to grow up in one town and not always be the new kid trying to fit in. I even wept into adulthood because it made me feel even more like a failure, and the ringing in my ears and replaying of the same harassing and condescending tone would come back time and again to haunt me. I know I am a good person. I know I am beautiful and capable and intelligent and talented and....wait for it....wait for it...even loving. The blame game has gone on long enough and now I come to where I recognize the pattern but still can't get off the merry-go-round. Now I have to find something witty to say because I set the goal and the bar too high. I owe my readers what I promised and today I reflect on what a mess I have made of things. It's funny how things do and really come together in the end when it draws near. How a person can see themselves as they are, but only when it is too late to fix it. Is it enough? Will it be enough to just "know" I could have done better?? I guess that will be answered in time but for now, I still have a blog to write!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
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