A Different Approach

in a day like no other for the last is past I see alone what is done and what's ahead. I have so much to do yet no business undone.

My absence was one of necessity and I spent it in loud contemplation for things I long for and things I plan on. I am supposed to "keep" someone dear to me because it is their wish and despite frustration and all sorts of "Pandoric" episodes I will do just that so long as he be willing to be "kept"...meaning he needs to be caught to accomplish either. I don't know if he realizes the magnitude of what he asked of me and what part he is supposed to play in that. I shall make time for he and I to sit and revisit that phrase together so there will be clarity on what he wants and what I want, it is the best I can do under the circumstance.

I watch on these noisy days as my friends interactions with each other go through trials and triumphs alike. I see myself in their need to be loved and appreciated and accepted and see myself in their failures and the relevancy of what they intended regardless of how it panned out. I long to be a rock for them to lean on but cannot even hold myself up most days. I cry with them, for them and because of them in their pain. I am here when they need me, though little I can do but offer a different outlook on life and opinion of what I witness. Beyond that, I can do no more. I seem to slide into a motherly role so easily and I scream at night and rip my heart out because it is not what I want. And then, just before agonizing sleep tears me from consciousness, I hear a voice reminding me that we are all born to what we are good at and that is WHO we are. So, I have been kicking and screaming all this damn time fighting my inherent maternal nature. I hope I put up a good fight and can recall a period in my history when I wasn't so maternal.

I was under the influence of "fun" at the expense of good green smoke, lots of sex and rock and roll and occasionally pills and emergency room visits. I was drowning out my own essence and my own humanity and my ability to see and do the things that make me special. In turn I have made my life difficult and made my journey unhappy. To go back is improbable and unlikely as there is so little time left. And looking back I can still see instances in my drug and fun induced days where I was still being "me" and watching over my closest friends and family.

Why are some people born to lead and others to serve and yet some still to teach? Why are some people so willing to throw away good talent to achieve something else most impossible and unlikely? I know someone needs me and not just my kid though she has been reaching out and chastising me for pushing her away. It isn't that I don't love her, because I do more so than any other. It isn't because she makes mistakes either, as I have made my fair share. Maybe this is my own mid-life epiphany and I realize now it won't hurt to let a 180lb teenager crawl into her mother's ample lap and curl up like a babe and watch tv. Maybe I need to allow who I am develop and love someone and nurture them so long as they be willing to learn and be "kept." I don't know if it is so but it seems one of the few options I have left for now and one I haven't open-heartedly explored...so here I go, feet first because my face is too pretty to smack into the pavement if I fall. I'm going to take a different approach...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her love.