Putting Myself Out There

finding out about one's past is a difficult and lifetime task riddled with secret passages and lies and tales. It is arduous at best and seems an endless road but it has been something for me to look forward to with an investigator's eyes.

I love what I am and learning all that it entails. It frustrates me when I have become validated through scientific and historical endeavors but no one pays heed. It behooves me to know there are those out there who still cling to the lies as were told to them by their society and who refute my very existence. I put it aside, though, and try to carry on and put all the pieces of the puzzle together. Knowing what makes me a magnet and what draws them in isn't the same as having a gift for becoming a keeper of the peoples. I am not a keeper of peoples. I haven't the heart for it or the sacrificing nature. I will only sacrifice if there is something in it for me and at least I remain true to the beastly nature of my heritage.

I want things. Intangible things that you can touch only with your mind, concepts if you will. And I have gone to great lengths to achieve some of these wants only now, it seems, I have been losing them at an alarming rate compared to that which are gained. There is beauty in this loss and tonight I felt renewed with a lust for more. My mood has been changing and altering and sifting through the infinite possibility to stay alone forever in what's left of this go 'round or to yield and give "them" what they want with no thought or want of my own for them to fulfill. It's not like they're going to anyway because even when I come close to finding one who may, they are yanked out of reach for some misdeed I have amassed and dangled in front of my face for the final torture. I am a prisoner to my ancestral past, my scientific present and my hitherto future and feel so oppressed by this need of the gods to mock me at every turn for my abject disobedience.

I am an unwilling subject of the high court of surreal. Calling to the spirits and the masses of those who went before me does nothing as they already have a sense as to what is going on in my heart and mind and thought processes before I even can blurt it out. I speculate before I speak and it allows those who stood before me to hear my choices and help to guide me and validate what I already hold in my heart. It also gives them opportunity to laugh and mock and scream at the top of their ethereal lungs when they know ahead of time what follies I choose before me. I am imperfect. They want me perfect and sometimes I gravitate to the imperfect answer if only to entertain them of sorts. Only tonight, they were silent. I hate when they are silent. It means I walk this part of the rode alone and it scares me. I am full grown but still child-like in my insufferable need to be validated by "them" and to be proper. But tonight, I laid my heart and soul and body on the line and all they did was sit and watch and observe without any inkling as to whether I was choosing what was best for me...and I am afraid...

Every flaw and ill thought came rushing back to my face and for a moment I wanted to blurt out that I didn't deserve even one moment of happiness and then, at a second's click on a watch face, I was reminded again at how perverse my world was by the very thing I coveted the most these last few weeks. I am too different and too abstract for them. I am something to admire and disbelieve. I am a myth and a prize. I am everything the world has been afraid of and wants to keep locked up and hidden away because I will only rain chaos in the teaching of others to be more, emulate me more. And they used my very wishing want to express this to me. Telling me to keep quiet and bading me to to be still and begging me to let another lead for once. But no, mobe had to dig deep into depravity and scar herself more and expose herself and her breast and her bone to her prey as if to invoke some subtle yield on their part to my wish. I wait and will continue to wait and stick it out no matter how painful it will be in the end because all I can do is wait. I have to see it through to the end. Maybe...just maybe there will be a brass ring there for me...who knows?~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.