Unwilling Life

defining what you want is difficult. Deciphering what others want is damn near impossible even if they tell you because they reserve the right to change the course or direction of their wants at any given moment. Life is reactional at best.

I have been in and out of relationship after relationship and have been told by those lucky enough to have healthy ones that it is all my fault. In reality it is but I can attest that it was two people who failed to get things off the ground, not one. Knowing this doesn't make me feel any better because it tells me not only am I flawed but so are most people. And if they are all flawed then that reactional theory is a doom bell waiting in the distance for the failure of men and women alike of all races and species. Why bother? Why even get out of bed to say hi to a stranger or offer to pick up the quarter on the floor that rolled near you and belongs to the gentleman behind you? I want some uncommon goal that doesn't exist. Love is not a thing you can hold and touch and feel and sell or buy.(the last part despite what the phone sex clients believe)

We always want more than maybe we deserve. It may be that I am to blame alone and that I have my standards set too high but then I hear constantly from people that I don't set them high enough and when I set them higher it gets worse. I hear people pulling me in one direction or the next and it kills me because I can't help them all and feed them all and fix them all and comfort them all and teach them all. The best I can offer is a door and they can choose to walk through it, into it or just stand next to it and try and will it to yield all of its secrets without the energy of exertion it takes to turn the fucking knob!

Today was a serious day for me. Those of you who follow each and every post know this and yet I still hold hope. Life sucks pure and simple but there are some keen values along the way through the muck and the shit. Life is reactional and non denominational. It has no religion or gender or expectation and is not tangible in and of itself in thought. Life is what happens when the big bang was your mom and dad. Life is putrid and vile and corrupt and sinister and glorious in its element. Life is disturbing in its random ranting of dereliction and perverse in how keen and invasive it can be. It has a cure, rest assured it has one.

As I speak my body is entered by unseen element and torn into two to open a space for the guff of mankind which I will reject time and again. I know this now. I know how precious life is to humankind and how important tangible things have become. I value so little of what can be touched and know too much of what is past and what is to come to write a thousand bibliotecs and right a million wrongs, but I am asked to wait. I am asked to do no more than my share and asked and bade to witness things that corrupt a core. Life is disgusting as it is made so. There will be a shift when that what was will come into the here and now to create a new then. When they that have left will return to ignite a war of whom shall be left to watch over what is left in the rubble. I will be there whether alive or dead and you all will be there beside me.

I hemorrhage hate and anger and animosity and bleed out disdain like rain from the sky. I am burning mad at my mortality and my short term as a servant to things unseen. I am unwilling and equally unwanted and have been so since the dawning of my crowning on a cold steel table and will continue to be unwilling and unwanted until the day I am returned to that table. Only they will find a smirk upon my face and a grin from ear to ear because I will have gained so much more than any one person could ever hope for in "life," and I will have put to use the mechanics of things meant to come to pass. I will be just another cog...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.