Rendering End

muddy puddles clinging to the boots of children as they board the yellow bus one last time before it is gone in the distance. I won't see them anymore or hear their laughter or even their feathery kisses upon my cheek. They will be gone to me and I to them and everyone else, and I cry quietly knowing that when I climb the stairs and enter my bedroom one last time that it will be my last sleep.

I have waited for this for a long time now and worked so hard to keep it mum. I didn't want to tell anyone or bother as there would be no use in them fretting or it ruining their way of life and robbing them of whatever chunk these last few years would have brought. I am leaving and I am ready, on my own terms and no one else's. Years have come and gone along with three husbands and many loved furry children. It is hard on one's heart to witness such loss and be caught in the whirlwind of it when all along it was you, you who should have gone first and you who the world has looked to for answers. But none were given. Only you remained and now, you will be the last to leave.

This year is pivotal and filled with anguished souls as I watched out my dark window and saw the world in chaos for the first time, and felt pity for it too. It wasn't supposed to be like this. It was written that there would be more and there were some to lead and some to guide in the dark days ahead, but those days had come and gone and now in a new millennium we are stuck with what remains. My own children gone and their children's children and so on. I am old now and alone.

What shame have I brought my house that I should remain a quiet soul to wander sadly through these walls with no one to talk to or tend the yard or protect from all that would invade. Today the last of them left. No human footprint to walk alongside and to pet the neighbor's dog or to barbecue with like in the olden days. No one to drive a sky trolley or to deliver posts and certainly no point in "connecting" considering there isn't a voice around except my own madness that escapes my mouth in between sobs and determination. I asked for this. I wanted to see what absolute silence was and whether one being of moderate intelligence could make it alone. It's been several hours and all I have done is wander this house, still fearful of stepping out into the light and venturing out of town. Not sure how long reactors will man themselves or machines will keep vigil. But soon I know I will need to go for I have been granted a most cruel wish, eternity.

So I would lie myself down in greener pastures and spread my arms and gaze upon the heavens with solemn sadness and weep for the wicked deeds and thoughts I have done. I will not ask for parole and I will not beg for mercy for this was merely a gift and not a punishment, though I know different. Had only I been a willing servant instead of an all too capable unwilling specimen. It was never how good I was but more so how well I served. I was cruel so cruelty is thy name and I was perfect and now have inherited a perfect dream. Only these blue skies and white tufts of clouds hide a dark sinister punishment for all my arrogance. So I look one last time before closing my eyes and deciding my own fate for no other will. Frozen in place I will sleep and feel the low critters feasting upon what I am and what I tried too hard to unveil to the world. I will lay still as every flesh and atom is consumed and the meek finally inherit the earth. I will lay still without scream or sound aware in total that I will still feel my existence in the foul waste that evacuates them because I have inherited eternity and everlasting life as my crown for the glory I gained. I am the apocalypse....~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.