I am as infatuated with the human form as are most of you. I lust for what seems to be the perfect companion and still lose in the end when it comes to what I need or what their needs require. For this is my opus and a soap opera for all of you as well.
What I can't grasp are the individuals that gravitate to the unorthodox as if they feel they are unworthy of something better. I am not a perfect specimen of my creed but still feel worthy beyond what I see most of my friends feel and such. I do like a different sort of man or woman, and it would seem that my parameters as to what is acceptable are wider in spectrum than my peers. Infatuation is only as good as the eyes that can see or the ears that can hear. We use our senses to select a mate or lover and companion. And when we are hurt by this person our eyes become wide and our ears prick up and pick up on things they overlooked in the lust of a moment.
This is where I am at. So many skeletons in my closet from past mistakes, whether mine or theirs, keep me wondering if I could ever go back in there. The problem is I have fought so hard to free myself from that closet when I was a child that I see no need to go backwards in time to the inner darkness that lurks there. I know those men and women and I know the sting of the failure that was our relationship. And, I know my part in it. The truth is each and every one of them is a fairly good person if only they had the right accompaniment to them. This one had the greatest eyes and that one kissed good but she was a dedicated and loyal friend whereas that one was a good father. Each had their own value in my eyes and ears and I loved them all and still care a great deal for most of them. Only now, after that sting we call the end, I see the big ears with the pretty eyes, and the lazy ass with the loyalty and the controlling attitude with the fatherhood of the year award. It is hard to go somewhere when you have been burned no matter how infatuated you used to be. At least it is for me anyway, and it makes it even hard to move forward when you fall in love with the person's family and friends. You lose so much when something ends and the only infatuation I still feel is a lingering loyalty and feeling of caring for the other people who I had come to adore. The people who also suffered either silently or out loud in the break-up and the people who I have come to call friend, daughter, son, mother, father or whatever title they held of importance in my heart.
We lose sight of what matters when our hearts are broken and fight and cling to something that just wasn't meant to be only to keep looking back and slowing down progress when we should be moving ahead and finding another object of affection until we get it right. Sure many people argue about what love is and isn't and will throw religion into the chaos and throw ideals and data to make their argument for staying together long after the petals fall from the rose. I just see no need in prolonging the inevitable in these situations and will confess to cutting things off at the root on more than one occasion and may have cut someone loose I shouldn't have-so, I look back and I wonder, I make mistakes and waste valuable time. I should be moving forward and letting them go and have closure but they keep hounding me and sometimes I keep hounding them out of habit or the need to remain falsely loyal and care for someone who didn't care much for me. It is time to grow up, mobe, and let sleeping dogs lay in their own filth and move forward and not look back. It is time to erase some more pictures and addresses and clear out some more friends' lists and let them go. They can stay in the closet or leave at will, but I am going to make a concerted effort to not turn the key and go there again...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves.
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