more reason to have disdain doesn't mean that one lives without happiness entirely. I have many reasons to be the prick I am so often. I also have reason to be more of one but I choose to be more timid with the time's passing. The love of a good man or woman will always do that to you and so will the love of a child. Friends and family gather around this time of year to remember those long gone, those recently left and those close to their hearts.
I will remember more than most. I will remember the face of everyone I ever loved and everyone I ever wronged. It is a "flaw" so I have been told. She cannot forget a thing done wrong to her or did wrong to another by herself. Mobe misses her grandpas on her dad and mum's sides this time of year and her Uncle Al. She misses how cool and sweet her kid's father could be this one day, but still loathes the way he behaves the other 364. This year I will miss not one love but several, six in total. I know, I know...it sounds like too many to me too! I will love them all and accept them for their flaws and always have an open door for them should the need arise in their lives, but never an open bed again. Acceptance is just that. It means I accept you and love you, but I still have the right to be safe and secure and do the right thing, so I may be forced to love some from afar, some from very fucking afar.
Men are very complicated creatures not based upon their intellect but their irrefutable evidence to the contrary and inability to see the writing on the wall. I either have the world's worst luck in this department or have so much karma to atone for that I am doomed to be a five-cat toting spinster! I don't go out of my way to look for them or love for that matter. At this point I am older and even more so medically and know the full worth in other's eyes of what I have to offer. In other words, I am not blind to how others see me. It's just that men see with tunnel vision and sometimes fall short of the big picture and don't get that the world is bigger than that but smaller than their ego. They are always willing to share the shit-slinging but never the blame. Over the course of my four decades I have noticed every man in my life refuse to make decisions because they wanted the guilt-free lifestyle that their mothers and bosses have made them accustomed to. Society did this and I yearn for a time when a man's word was his bond and he promised nothing and gave his all. For all the yearning in the world I come up with men who promise the moon and stars and give nothing, and when the shit gets deep they cry and condemn you and victimize themselves. If I broke up with them I was cheating, though to this day I never have and never will. If they broke up with me it was because I am not good enough and a bitch and all the crap laid upon the table that I am accused from in my sentencing are the very same "piles" of shit they themselves are guilty of. I call this the "I did it so you must be doing it too because you aren't better than me!" syndrome. The truth of the matter is I have loved and laid next to many a man and not one would roll up his sleeves to do the dirty work! Every holiday, anniversary, vacation, funeral had to be planned but never by them. The few decisions they made were in the haste of an argument which made them more susceptible to mistakes that I never committed and made things worse on me for being right more often.
I either had to fix their financial issues or their spiritual ones and even their impotence! Some I had to fix all three...was married to a man who's entire family had stopped in time on the day of his father's passing when he was but fourteen years old! I met him when he was thirty and "fixed" his issues and those of his mother and brother and sister and then was put out by the curb with the old vacuum and the old toaster when they started to live life again and realized I was no princess. It was beneath them to be seen with me as they felt their worth was now more than mine and that they had a need to "trade" up. I was married to another man who repeatedly marries his momma over and over with myself being the exception. He even tried to mould and force me into the mold but never succeeded and so I wear the label: BITCH and CUNT because I couldn't comply. Then there was this man who was separated by heart and distance and ruined money-wise. He swore up and down he would fix things himself but he never did. If I didn't do it it didn't get done...I soon realized I was a physical toy for him and he would have preferred one without a brain or voice!
lol) So I ask again, why do I have to suffer?
I suffer in silence and in print. But they haven't gotten my resolve. I am happy for I have had fun combing through them. Believe it or not each one is a great guy and has some very good qualities. Only now I wish and long for two strong arms to pick my spirits up as they grasp my hand and tell me with truth and hope that they will be here always. I have a warm bed and food and four legged children to keep me and Lobo content. Now I want someone who isn't going through puberty and emo-training to converse with and share it...is that too much to ask?~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves
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