Reflections

fatigue washes over my tired body with the breeze of the evenings fan placed just "so" and allows me the comfort and quiet to think upon the blessings I have in my life. I cry and yearn and want and need right along with everyone else and I even loathe and despise and hate and wish away too.

This week was full of surprises. For me it held the hope and endurance of a thousand men as I fought with everyone and then fought with my physical self to just pull through and be a mom, a Christmas mom. It held surprise even in seeing my brother's softer side, the one that I thought long gone but still existing and smoldering underneath. From the smallest child to the oldest decrepit human stain we are all capable of the worst and best of ourselves. I wanted to give up just a couple of days ago. I wanted to lie down on the water and drift away or to sink into the sands of time only to be discovered long from now as an ancient relic of sorts. I wanted to non-exist on a permanent basis and I couldn't. Not because I am a coward-I've "done" the deed so many times too it always being screwed up so I know I can should the absolute need arise. Just, I felt more heroic and fearless picking my sorry ass up and dusting my hands off and telling myself to "shut the fuck up you stupid bitch and get your fat ass back in the ring!" I don't ponder what others thought when they got up or those that didn't and culminated into a wooden box, I just realized that I enjoy being a miserable stone in the shoe of mankind too much and my work wasn't done! Funny yes, true definitely...but not just that. No matter how much people cause a course of the click of the tongue and an intake of disdain, I see they have much to learn and I am drawn to them in their light like a moth to the flame. Lobo is a different breed of my kind. She suffers far less the ills and scars from this disease and inside part of me is relieved and part is absolutely jealous. Why do I always draw the short straw?

It's not as if I consciously want her to hurt, excepting when she's a shit of course. But I like to think of the ills and breaks and aches and burns and the fire I suffer as part of the forge that moulded me from the start. I don't like the lazy attitude she has and yes, I know that teens can be a handful to us all, but her life will be quite different than all of her peers. It is important for her to "get it" and accept it and soak in the knowledge I impart as I won't be around forever to pick up her slack or to correct her errs. She's really a good kid and quite loving and talks quite highly of me. I like that and will go so far as to say she has no reason to otherwise. If wishes were nickels I'd have a mint, as I have wished I was always without supplying the reason for her own dislike of me. But when you have been glued at the hip to the same ball and chain for as long as we have, you kind of rub each other raw and contemplate chewing your foot out of the shackle in the attempts for freedom even though you know you may bleed to death. Death is the ultimate freedom isn't it? True to form she did absolutely as little as possible and, well, I expected it so I wasn't too disappointed. Besides, I rather loved having the holiday with her for a change and didn't mind suffering the pain and medicating to get through. Most medicate one way or the other anyways to get through the stress of the family deal and I medicate to stand up to cook and take frequent breaks. She eats and tells me what I did wrong(LOL)but offers no assistance and doesn't criticise too harshly for fear her help will be required. All in all the weekend turned out like any other day and it ended with her feet under my nose as her head was on the other end of the couch and her fast asleep while I watched a movie. I wonder if she knows how little I watched and how often I do look upon her angelic face and smile with hope and pride and grimace with fear and loathing for the unknown in her future-the parts I won't be there to rescue her from...~mobe's missing you all-her love to her all and her all to her loves