Time Passing

at the end of the day all that really mattered was what you did and whom with. Today, tonight closes my thirty-ninth birthday and I spent it in therapy(by choice)and dinner with my kid. Simplistic in design, but for the first time in several weeks it felt normal and peaceful and full of promise.

I have no hang ups about getting older and I been talking about it for some time only now, as it is coming to the end of the fourth decade, do I feel the age I actually am. It's as though I have been 40 for some time now and just been waiting on the failing of the parts on the whole to catch up. I raised my siblings and other people's children and even a few husbands and ex boyfriends. I have worked all sorts of industry from restaurants(front and back of the house)and logistics(the art of getting things where they need to be when they need to be there)and factory work. I have been a home-nurse to elderly family members and a disabled uncle. I have been the confidante of my aunts and their friends and been a delivery girl. I have worked most my life since the age of 11 and can even account for a few odd jobs prior to that time. My life was never idle or boring even if it wasn't always happy. I enjoyed every minute of it and have come to the stage where I want to not do anymore. It isn't that I am lazy, I'm just fucking tired. I used to get up at 4am to deliver papers and walk the dog through snow blizzards and get home and eat and get the kids of to school before grabbing my own book bag and heading out to my own education. I'd arrive home by two-thirty to walk the dogs again and wait for the kids to get home and make sure then went upstairs to grandma's then head out to deliver the afternoon paper and collect cans and deliver Avon for my aunt. I'd be home by 6pm and start dinner to which my dad would come in shortly after and he'd watch tv while I started the bath/bedtime routine for the twins. Life was predictable and it was good. Lightning once struck not three centimeters from my heel one day running home from my dad's bro's house after babysitting. I was around twelve to sixteen then. Nowadays my body is broken and torn and refuses to comply when I need it to but I still can lift a heavy load and endure most things if given enough time and even my 15yr old complains holding half the load I got!

So forty is to come. I will celebrate next year the same as I have for the last 39, alone in my thoughts and looking back to the past for the pearls in the mud. Lobo will go to dinner and I will settle in for sleep but never before collecting the days humor or thoughts and sharing all, as I have done for some time now. My life is no secret....I have been paid to cook, sing, draw, model(yes nude)and keep track of other's business they were too incapable of doing for themselves. It has been full and no matter when the fates come to the door for tea and biscuits, I know I will have no regrets because I am tired and it has been a good run. In the meantime, there's someone to pass the days with who has pledged to keep me warm and smiling and sated and maybe some grand kids to look forward to should I go so long and some quiet time to be had. I am peaceful and waiting for him and missing him and hoping he gets here before the "goods" expire!~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves