I am an Island

I am a universe unto myself. We all think on it for awhile or a night when we are little and re-visit the idea as we come to our ends. Questioning the inevitability makes us feel powerful and able to cope with life's obstacles thrown at us in the dark. Living, loving, loathing, lying, leaning and learning. It never stops and I re-visited today and found my little universe is behaving like a super-nova today.

Between the cats and kids and family and neighbors my world seems to austere and alien to the rest. I'm sure the feeling is mutual but they are here and orbiting in their own right and doing their own things and whether I like it or not they are a an integral part of the very same solar system I'm in. I am coming to a stage where the exploration of others isn't quite as amusing as it once was and part of me feels sad for that innocence lost. My kid will still be a shit and her dad will be a douche and my brother will continue to be goofy and mean at times and I will still be the bitchy beast I always have been. Realization doesn't make it easier as I see the pieces of the holiday tree scattered across the living room floor. I want a routine and want to get into a comfort zone and believe the world is round but I am so afraid to go that far and trust in what mine eyes see and mine ears hear. My cat has a penchant for tree thingies as he is still a baby of the bunch. They all go through the swatting and chase phase and I have been blaming him this past week only to find it is the "quiet" one. Like grandma said it is always the quiet ones! I missed the lunar eclipse a little ago and find my disappointment to be well in place as I never miss a celestial moment if I can help it. Life is so "chicken brothy" for me right now and all the cells on my "planet" are in a tug of war hell bent on its total destruction. I don't want to fight anymore and not because I am afraid of pain...exactly the opposite. I am addicted to pain and disdain and realize I have a lot to atone for when I go. Fighting is messy even in just theory and words and nothing comes out of it and rarely does anyone win a damn thing but a "title" like loser or bully. For me and mine it is bully as I have always been outspoken and capable of not letting most everyone get the better of me. So now, at age thirty-nine and some odd days, I don't want to fight. Like the turf under my toes I too and purging the ills off my being. I want to be free of space junk and remorse and guilt(never carried the last very long as I make it a practice to avoid such by calculating my actions beforehand and accepting the consequences therein)so as to make my "being" a cleaner environment. Only trouble is what's on the inside never syncs up with the outside.

What I am saying in far too many words is I am happy with who and what I am and shedding the things that make me unhappy whether tangible or intangible. I have many friends and family and some I haven't actually met but some I'd rather not have met either. You're all on notice...if you haven't heard from me and I haven't heard from you in the last thirteen moons, then chances are we mean so little to each other and my question is why are you still here? There are a couple I don't keep in touch with often and they know whom they are but they also know we have a mutual agreement and it is one of respect so we may not need to speak beyond the rare occasion. Lobo's godmother is one such. I want to be a better person and I don't care who approves or not and I don't care who feels put out or not! Time is running out for me and you so don't waste either's time on trying to be pissed with me as I have no gripes with you. Get on with it, get over it, do something about it, own it! Busy is the bee who prides in the hive and sweet is the honey of the bee who flies the farthest to the bluest rose. I won't answer the phone and haven't written a letter since I don't know when. Just figure this, those I love know it because I told them and those that don't...well no love lost eh?~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves