it's not a good day when you hurt the ones you love. It's an even worse day when their actions hurt you, blistering if they intended it. Life is hard no matter who's shoes you wear and today it became increasingly hard for me and Lobo.
The adjustment is difficult for her and everyone keeps telling me I'm in denial. I understand why they have that notion because I am a quiet person who really takes quite a bit to get that upset, with anyone. Lobo on the other hand is sensitive and spatially aware of other people, whereas I can give a rats ass and she and others just clash. I miss her tonight. We are both in a time out. Almost a permanent one if she and I decide it to be. I'm not getting as well as I would like(not well at all, worse)and she doesn't want to help and everyone is at ends trying to dictate what she and I should do, albeit they mean well. I don't think it should be her or anyone else's burden and believe you me-she don't want any part of anything involving work or non personal gain. She's a good kid and I wanted a different life for her where she wasn't saddled with a sick mom. I raised her to hold herself in high esteem and she does and it would appear a little too high at times. Deep down inside I wish she was more familial aware of things and more family duty oriented. I feel abandoned as she wants to move forward in her life and I don't fight her too much, except at the prodding of others, to stay by my side. It makes for a difficult existence as it appears she doesn't care about me to them and even to me at times. Only I know she cares and she's still my scared little girl. She wanted this. She wanted to be here for it all and I let her only now I don't think I like my choice in doing so. She may not be able to handle this.
We had a big fight. Bigger than usual and she has been rubbing her uncle and his girlfriend raw. A typical teenager in a non typical home watching her mom die slowly. I may be ok with my passing but I am sure she isn't and only until tonight did I realize my family isn't either. I had to take her to her aunt's because I couldn't look at her. My sister even admitted to me she still hasn't let it sunk in I'm that bad off. I feel so helpless and cannot care for me, let alone her, which is why we are at her uncle's house. I grew up in a time when family just sucked it up and did what they had to do and when one member "fell" the next generation stepped up and filled in the line. I took care of my siblings and grandparents and even nieces and nephews and parents at times. Only now it is I that has needs and everyone has mixed feelings on it as they still see this robust loud-mouth and think she will live forever! I am frustrated and worried about her. The butting of heads is ringing in my ears still and she was disrespectful, but I do give her slack. She didn't choose this and the slack is because of the guilt I feel for "dooming" her to being in this situation with me. I do rely on her and have to fight with her but no more than anyone else does with a fifteen year old. But everyone else's fifteen year old doesn't have to watch mom or dad get sick and not move and do what they used to and/or hurt all the time. Lobo's rarely seen me in genuine pain and now it is all the time. And she doesn't have a father full-time to turn to. I wanted him to come get her, and he couldn't even answer the phone as he was with the new girlfriend...he blew his kid off earlier yesterday for his girlfriend. So she got a raw deal...a half a mom who's not gonna see the grandkids and make cookies and spoil them and give her advice and a dad who'd rather be elsewhere...As morbid as it sounds I think she wants to come with me...and part of me wishes she could so I wouldn't be alone on that journey too, but I know she has her own life to fuck up or enjoy and though mine may end before the next decade does(half decade)hers is just beginning.
She still hasn't been kissed or felt the rush of wind in her face the first time she gets to drive alone with the windows down and without mom in the car because she's underage. I want her to have a wonderful life and feel so fucking pissed that I am the source of her misery and a burden to her. Our family thinks it is her obligation to aide me and I feel different, though wish she would want to but don't want to force her...I am so lost without my Lobo tonight...I don't hold her and I don't kiss her often because I don't want her to count on it as it won't be there always-I want her strong...ready to take the reigns when I'm gone and not make the shitty mistakes I have with her life~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves
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