sometimes the stress gets too much to bear. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you think as free will is just that. Sometimes it hurts to love people.
I am going through a lot of sometimes right now. I sometimes want to choke people randomly. I sometimes want the world to just do what I want and even sometimes have a need to go cry. I am crying all the time it seems and when a relationship makes you cry all the time it is time to sometimes. let go. I can defend myself and take care of myself and even help others should they ask. What I cannot do and refuse to do is relinquish my rights to choose whom I love and are friends with. I won't let anyone run my life and today two people I care a great deal for have tried just that. One I am friends with and the other I am in a new relationship with. Each hates the other and wants me out of the other's life....the friend being an old flame who feels he can pick for me better than I can myself. The new flame who feels threatened by my continued friendship with the old flame per my promise to him to be there if he needs me and to be his friend always.
I am a jealous person but even in my own jealousy I yield to things as they come. I don't act out on it as severe as I have seen others do. I love both these men and have very little trust in fate as to whether either will last. Not because one is bad or worse than the other, but because my life has been a miserable lot and I dare not hope either way. I will trust when it happens, only to get my heart broken anyways once betrayed, but not until then. This creates a problem for me and them as they all want me to think they are unique and trustworthy then they commit the very acts of hurtfulness they accuse others of doing to them. I promise nothing and I guess I gain nothing either....but my record stands as having never broken a promise and my word is law in these parts.
Loathe is a word that comes to mind today as I am torn between being true to myself at the expense of others too blind to know better or being weak and allowing them the opportunity to fuck me over and walk on me and "lord" it over on me. I chose to be a cunt yet again and may have very well cost me my happiness yet again. He knows who he is and he will either accept or not but I am really, truly past the point of caring who accepts me-I accept myself and stand firm on my beliefs and haven't nor plan on having to change that core value in 39+years. If anything, you can take my word to the bank. I won't be pressured or pushed or left with ultimatums. I won't give them either-you get the same options I get, you either like it or not. And how you act on that option you pick is your choice. Today I chose to take a step back and think on it. And was told I didn't love someone as much as they felt they loved me. In choosing to think on it and weigh it carefully, it was the ultimate act of love and temperance(in case you didn't know) and whatever is going to happen will no matter what I decide.
So, I will not apologize for not being here, for not giving a damn, for not answering you, for not playing "the game" or acting in the daily drama. And you can see that however you choose and take from it and misinterpret it however you see fit. Mobe is so sick of the hurt and attacks and needs time off and whoever has issue can kiss her ass...I will post my blog daily and I will have things to say but I refuse to hear anything else until I sort out what I have heard....peace to one another and love one another for the challenge isn't in loving the easy to love, but rather loving those that need it most despite how prickly we be...~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves, and yes, her disdain to love in general
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