here's to hoping this holiday season finds me drunk under a tree with reindeer tracks across my ass and tits and eggnog in my nethers! Holidays are a pushy/sucky time for me as I try so hard to have a cheery disposition only to come out harrowed and harassed by my own psyche and the whining needs of others.
It isn't that I don't try or want to be that sprite lil fat elf sprouting cookies out my ass and candy from my thighs, but everyone seems to act like we're obligated to just buy into what the greeting card companies have to offer as their own perverse Norman Rockwell suggestions du jour! Here are some easy to cope with holiday suggestions to the death-challenged that find themselves in the midst of expectations forced upon them by media gurus and family's wishful thinking:
1. On the night before the night before Christmas declare insolvency and announce your Jewishness
2. When someone tells you Happy Holidays, burst into Oscar-worthy tears and tell them you are terrified of anything red as your previous residences all went up in flames by a satanic cult ritual in retaliation for the Holy wars of early A.D.
3. If someone asks you what you will be serving for your celebration, smile wryly and say walking papers to your ex along with a flaming suitcase
4. If anyone whatsoever sends you that fucking nasty fruitcake you have my and your god's permission to personally shit in a Walmart grocery bag and set it on fire on their doorstep(NOTE:must be accomplished completely in front of the offender from squat to the lighting of the match and high-tailin' it outta there!)
5. Any child found screaming or yelling and carrying on should be snatched up quickly and duct-taped and stuffed into a car seat or trunk if over 10yrs of age and brought to Utah for adoption immediately and the parents/guardians sterilized with a dirty knife
6. Absolutely anything of a certain viscous-ness as to be considered a liquid and "drinkable" as in gravy, nog, coffee, tea, cocoa, soda...etc, must be 50% alcohol(preferably 180 proof)at all times so as to keep things in a fitting mood
7. No inlaws, outlaws, lawyers, lawnmowers, yawners, pawns, etc...you see where this is going right?
8. Any Christmas card sent but not returned in kind is considered always to be an invitation to send them something sweet...go the extra mile and personally hand deliver it...my recommendations would be 8oz of simple table sugar into the gas tank of their Lexus or BMW, etc...
9. Pumpkin Pie is a Veggie!(counts as dairy also if you throw in the french vanilla ice cream too)
10. Never ever approach the fat chick with the chef knives and tell her you don't know what to do! She will find ways to make you look like a foodie gift before the fat man can get his ass stuck in her heating ducts and no one, trust me on this, will be the wiser
11. Calories only count if you're eating other people's food...provides the much needed excuse to get out of that pukey fucking green bean casserole that tastes like vomit
12. Hide everyone's gifts like it's Easter and give them a time limit on finding them...this is great during economical crisis as when they can't you can take them back and exchange them for the Jimmy Choo's you so desperately wanted and know damn well no one will spring for
13. and, lastly, Don't cook a damn thing at all until the guests arrive and make them do it while you watch Miracle on 34th St for the 39th time...only this time you will have this feeling like "It's a Wonderful Life" instead because you got to finally watch a whole flick uninterrupted!
...if these steps and suggestions are followed to a "T" you will find yourself in the middle of the greatest holiday known to mankind or maybe underneath the truck in the garage with a hard-on/nip-on from egg nog abuse dreaming happily through the disaster you avoided....Good Luck...I'm in Florida and Santa's in the hot tub fondling the elves like he does every year....only I get to raid his sleigh and and pilfer his sack while he's distracted by my minions! (hee hee)~mobe's love to her all and her all to her loves
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